what is poetry?

poetry is worlds and oceans compacted into stanzas
poetry is my gateway
my scape
a pool for diving in
with all the things i’ve lived
and every verse is a confession
every word is every person
i ever held hands with
ever got struck with

poetry is bringing a backpack of all the things i know
and all the stories i was told

poetry has life-saving traits
it pulls you up from down below
poetry embraces me with all my flaws

i’ve given in
and i am
swimming in its blissful pool
soaked
exhasperated
triggered
induced
awaken
aroused

gasping &
breathing

all at the same time

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Reclaiming My Bed

As I was opening the WordPress tab on my browser I realized how long has it been that I could sit down, relaxed at night with a laptop in front of me to type away.  I’ve lived in our place now for a year and six months, and after all this time I finally have wifi and literally feel like my life is complete — because of it, this place feels more like home.

Tonight is the first night I get to reclaim my bed, and I am still feeling like I was the one that got a new bed because I look to my side and I have enough room to put my journal, my book, and my laptop and pillows — this is freeing and long overdue.

Earlier today, I remembered I hadn’t shopped on craigslist for sooo long so I got on to find a twin bed for Roca and I surprisingly found one only a few postings down.  The lady was sweet enough to bring the bed and mattress to my place. I knew it had to be for me then.  Roca didn’t want to lay in his new bed by himself, he fell asleep with me as we have for the last 5 years — next to each other.  I splurged on his Superman bedding set, but how could I not? It’s his first bed and it had to look just right.

It can be challenging to find “space” when you are a mother.  When the baby is born is almost like you instantly don’t matter.  You live solely to keep up another life.  It is easy to lose yourself in this beautiful yet often draining and consuming mothering assignment.  More so if you are doing it alone, single parenting as opposed to co-parenting with a husband or a partner.  Then, personal space becomes nonexistent.  Rocamadeur climbs on me while I’m laying down, resting usually from a long week of driving to and back from school and work.  He demands food, juice, a new toy, another TV show, help to put a toy together or find one he lost in the sea of his toy chest, help with homework (more like resists to do homework).  When he’s not demanding, he’s whining about not having a toy I cannot afford or he’s refusing to eat the meal I have just prepared for him and is attempting to grab the bag of chips on top of the fridge.  All these moments together accumulate, the frustration of his constant demands is mind-crippling, I am often overcome with the non-stop requests.  Can I breathe outside for a second?

Getting this bed for him is more than just that.  It is saying, “Look, you are growing pretty fast and I know you want all of me all the time because I am your safety, and comfort and your source of life but I also want to and need to satisfy the spaces in me I have long left abandoned.”  And reclaiming my bed does just that for me right now.

Rocamadour in his new Superman bed.
Rocamadour in his new Superman bed.

***

I am taking one class this semester.  I went back to school last Fall in an attempt to not lose hope in my ultimate life goal which is to get an MFA in Creative Writing.  So, I hope and am super intentional about school and getting to my academic finish line.  For now, I am enjoying my English class with Robert Metzger, whose an incredibly inspiring teacher.  He always leaves me breathless with his insights and his teaching style is thought-provoking and persuasive to the senses.  I am lucky to be in his classes before his upcoming retirement.  Also, I have a small tiny crush on the man.  His intellect is one of the most accelerating & instantly attractive.  I cannot help myself from crushing.

I will continue enjoying the new space in my bed and pretend I’m sleeping on a cloud because I really feel like I am flying, and no one can possibly take the big smile off my face cuz my bed is mine again, just for me.

Rainy Weather in Los Angeles ~poem

this rain is opportune
a day like today
i need renewing, washing off
i need my heartbrokenness to dilute
to break off into smaller particles
become residue

i need the rain to wet all the parts that were cracked from the dryness that living off the surface brought

it was a drought

but heartbreak and is drops of rainy water have moisten my soul

my eyes have swollen

is there anymore rain i can take?
there will never be a surplus of rain in the heart
it always needs water
it needs humidity to stay alive
to sprout again after the drought
sprout the pretty
the things underneath the surface

come alive with the rain
come alive in the rain.

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Scattered Recap of 2013

This year was all about survival.  I basically lived to catch up to all the payments I have to cover on a monthly basis: rent, car insurance, phone bill, two loan payments, gas, food & the seasonal clothing update for Roca.

Roca started Kindergarten, and it was a challenge at the beginning but he has made it throught the toughest I believe.  He is progressing and getting used to school, although he is not too fond of it all yet.  I cannot blame him, but whats a mom gotta do in my circumstances?  In a perfect world, he would be in a more liberal and progressive school, but I cannot afford that so LAUSD will have to do for now.

Looking back now I don’t feel that I did the things I thought I was going to do. A couple of important things happened.  I bought a new car, and I went back to school — might I add, I went back to school and KICKED ASS with a straight-A semester.  Linguistics  and Short Story Writing were challenging but I did it. So, I don’t want to take away some of the credit I earned.  Yet, knowing this, I feel as though I hadn’t done my best, perhaps in other aspects of my life.

Two things did disappoint me greatly this year, and I’m all-knowing that these “failures” are in my control, I guess that’s what makes me feel worse.  Love & Crossfit.

I began my Crossfit practice in April — I fell in love with it.  I was going 4 to 5  times a week for two straight months, and then my financial situation started to fiddle.

Let’s put it this way, I have a permanent job in the mornings with Sara.  This job is my base.  But I do not make ends meet with that job alone.  I HAVE to work a second job.  And so, these second jobs that the first half of the year seemed firmed and consistent, began to not be as consistent the second half of the year.  I stopped working for a family because they moved out of state.  I began then to work for another family and some shitty thing they did to my aunt pushed me to end my ties with them (a situation that really sucked for everyone involved).  I just began a second job in the afternoons, but I’m not sure that it’s going to hold strong for the next month even.  So…this lack of financial stability has thrown me off big time.  I had to leave Crossfit and that really sadden me because I was getting really good and my endorphenes were throught the roof, but I had to quit and I became lethargic once again, topped with the stress of having to come up with rent every month and the other shit I have to pay — STRESS.

My other disappointment was….ugh, and here I went again….dating.  Who in their right mind would even consider dating again in the midst of aaaaall this? ME ME ME.  The relentless spirit of love inside of me is so willing, and yearning for companionship that it pulls me out there again, into that wilderness that is to be open, and willing to get hurt and well, guess what, I did get hurt.

I have been single for over 3 years now.  I dated someone last year with whom I felt strong connection with from the first date, but things changed rather quickly.  He showed me his true colors early on, and I should have stepped away readily, but that overwhelming sensation that caught me unprepared that first date with him kept me believing that he was going to be that guy from that night, but it was not this way.  Despite how much he cared about me, he was stagnant when it came to “work” on us, and it was frustrating for me to do all the work, give, and not receive.  So I had to leave.

Then I met a younger guy who took me surprise by his mature and understading demeanor.  He is one of those rarities you dont find often in this world anymore.  Young, responsible, loyal, and truthful.  Oh but, there was one little detail of course: he had just gotten out of a relatioship.  So, really there was nothing I could do, he just needed time, time that I don’t have for that kind of shit anymore.

And so, my very last and most painful dating experience thus far, G.  G is a man with a breathtaking life story.  He is a professional musician, who grew up in the hood of East LA, who fell in love with music and despite his father questioning his seemingly dreamy pursue, he went on and studied music in Pasadena and then studied abroad in Spain for a year.  He plays classical guitar, cajon, drums.  He traveled the world to learn from the masters; Cuba for the conga, Spain for flamenco.  He teaches guitar & coaches the soccer team in a middle school in Hollywood.  He performs at different events throughout the week.  G is kind, and such a gentleman.  He is fit, and sexy, and nice…too nice.  In spite of all the perfect things about him, something was missing for me and I did not know what.  The first night I drove back home from his place I felt deep loneliness, and anguish.  I still cannot explain where these feelings came from because everything between us was great.  We had fun with each other, talked, kissed, we were infatuated with one another.  We went to the movies together, had dinner, went to bars and talked about everything and anything, and he was always attentive with me, asked if I wanted or needed anything, he caressed me constantly and was flirtatious.  And then somehow everything died.

To be completely honest, my mind is fucking with me.  It’s got me playing memories of him that are unreal.  These memories make me miss him terribly.  My heart feels achy, I tear up at random moments during the day, I go through the pictures I had saved of him on my phone and I cry.  I can’t help myself.  Things sort of ended on their own.  Perhaps, we said too much, we shared too much of our pasts to the point that those stories of us with other people weighed heavy on our present.  He told me about his ex many times, even bringing her up in inopportune times and I just knew I couldnt take that.  He was projecting her on me and I felt so insufficient for him.  And that is not how anyone is supposed to feel at the beginning, ever.  But because he is so nice, he wouldn’t dare mention anything awkward, we dragged this feelings of “uninterest” until I said, “something doesn’t feel right” and that was the official ending.  I had to delete him from my Facebook, not because I wanted to but because I did not want to see pictures of him being happy and normal without me (yes, im selfish), or even worse, him uploading pictures with someone else.  It would just break me, so for my own sanity and emotional well-being I had to.

And so, this year is ending sort of on a bitter note for me.  I accomplished yes.  But the falls I had were painful and have had an impact on me greater than I ever thought.  I hope that I am able to take care of myself better this 2014, and that I am willing to do the work that it takes to love me more, and remind myself that I am so worth all the work and true intent to go after what makes me happy.  I am here in this life to build myself, and I am growing into a woman too fierce to be let down.

My 26th Birthday

On May 16 I turned 26.  Every birthday evokes the same feelings for me: all things are more exhilarating, everything is brighter, excitement is churning my stomach expecting the greetings & surprises throughout the day.

I went to dinner with friends that night, and I felt loved.  I’m lonely for the most part.  I withdraw a lot.  I’m selective with who I spend my time with.  The few friends I have I keep very close to my heart.

zuri, leslie, maria, me and jose.
zuri, leslie, maria, me and jose.

I felt spoiled, they treated me to dinner, and then some drinks at a near-by bar.  They filled my night with company and smiles.  We don’t talk or hang out very often, but we all try to get together for each other’s birthdays when they come around.  We are a special crowd when we are together.  I never expected to make friends for life when I was assigned to work with them for my Dream Summer internship in 2011, but I will forever be happy I got to share that summer with them.

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I had purchased a ticket to a Tiesto concert in Vegas a couple of weeks prior to my birthday weekend.  So I made sure that Daysi and I were gonna be able to drive up there.  Daysi made a special cake for me, she said with my hair colors.  It was so cute and yummy.

birthday cake with my hair colors, magenta & purple.
birthday cake with my hair colors, magenta & purple.

I had an incredible time in Vegas.  Tiesto concert was off-the-wall amazing, I met awesome people there and couldn’t believe I got to see him so close.  The Hakkasan Club was beyond crowded, the lighting was suburb, drinks were yummaaayyy, and my phone died when Tiesto came out.  Oh well, I saved this picture.   Best birthday gift ever, will be hard for anyone to top that.

tiesto in front of me
tiesto in front of me

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Daysi’s friend where we stayed were also just amazing people, so welcoming and warm with us.  Rigo, Daysi’s friend who let us stay in his house and now my friend, was the most awesome host and I felt right at home.  On Sunday, we went to a Chilean picnic and I got to meet more great people.  Friendly from the start, they created an ambience unlike any I have experienced in Los Angeles with Chileans.  Everyone kept a united and collaborative spirit.  We danced and ate delicious food, aahh.

Sunday evening I was missing Paolo terribly.  My best friend had been watching him since Thursday night, my birthday.  She wanted me to have the time of my life and I did.  So, so grateful for her ❤ because I got a chance to get out of my routine and go on a very different adventure for a few days.

Chilean flag with Daysi
Chilean flag with Daysi

This birthday was one I won’t forget.  I have definitely raised the bar for the next one! 🙂

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