As I was opening the WordPress tab on my browser I realized how long has it been that I could sit down, relaxed at night with a laptop in front of me to type away. I’ve lived in our place now for a year and six months, and after all this time I finally have wifi and literally feel like my life is complete — because of it, this place feels more like home.
Tonight is the first night I get to reclaim my bed, and I am still feeling like I was the one that got a new bed because I look to my side and I have enough room to put my journal, my book, and my laptop and pillows — this is freeing and long overdue.
Earlier today, I remembered I hadn’t shopped on craigslist for sooo long so I got on to find a twin bed for Roca and I surprisingly found one only a few postings down. The lady was sweet enough to bring the bed and mattress to my place. I knew it had to be for me then. Roca didn’t want to lay in his new bed by himself, he fell asleep with me as we have for the last 5 years — next to each other. I splurged on his Superman bedding set, but how could I not? It’s his first bed and it had to look just right.
It can be challenging to find “space” when you are a mother. When the baby is born is almost like you instantly don’t matter. You live solely to keep up another life. It is easy to lose yourself in this beautiful yet often draining and consuming mothering assignment. More so if you are doing it alone, single parenting as opposed to co-parenting with a husband or a partner. Then, personal space becomes nonexistent. Rocamadeur climbs on me while I’m laying down, resting usually from a long week of driving to and back from school and work. He demands food, juice, a new toy, another TV show, help to put a toy together or find one he lost in the sea of his toy chest, help with homework (more like resists to do homework). When he’s not demanding, he’s whining about not having a toy I cannot afford or he’s refusing to eat the meal I have just prepared for him and is attempting to grab the bag of chips on top of the fridge. All these moments together accumulate, the frustration of his constant demands is mind-crippling, I am often overcome with the non-stop requests. Can I breathe outside for a second?
Getting this bed for him is more than just that. It is saying, “Look, you are growing pretty fast and I know you want all of me all the time because I am your safety, and comfort and your source of life but I also want to and need to satisfy the spaces in me I have long left abandoned.” And reclaiming my bed does just that for me right now.
I am taking one class this semester. I went back to school last Fall in an attempt to not lose hope in my ultimate life goal which is to get an MFA in Creative Writing. So, I hope and am super intentional about school and getting to my academic finish line. For now, I am enjoying my English class with Robert Metzger, whose an incredibly inspiring teacher. He always leaves me breathless with his insights and his teaching style is thought-provoking and persuasive to the senses. I am lucky to be in his classes before his upcoming retirement. Also, I have a small tiny crush on the man. His intellect is one of the most accelerating & instantly attractive. I cannot help myself from crushing.
I will continue enjoying the new space in my bed and pretend I’m sleeping on a cloud because I really feel like I am flying, and no one can possibly take the big smile off my face cuz my bed is mine again, just for me.