This year was all about survival. I basically lived to catch up to all the payments I have to cover on a monthly basis: rent, car insurance, phone bill, two loan payments, gas, food & the seasonal clothing update for Roca.
Roca started Kindergarten, and it was a challenge at the beginning but he has made it throught the toughest I believe. He is progressing and getting used to school, although he is not too fond of it all yet. I cannot blame him, but whats a mom gotta do in my circumstances? In a perfect world, he would be in a more liberal and progressive school, but I cannot afford that so LAUSD will have to do for now.
Looking back now I don’t feel that I did the things I thought I was going to do. A couple of important things happened. I bought a new car, and I went back to school — might I add, I went back to school and KICKED ASS with a straight-A semester. Linguistics and Short Story Writing were challenging but I did it. So, I don’t want to take away some of the credit I earned. Yet, knowing this, I feel as though I hadn’t done my best, perhaps in other aspects of my life.
Two things did disappoint me greatly this year, and I’m all-knowing that these “failures” are in my control, I guess that’s what makes me feel worse. Love & Crossfit.
I began my Crossfit practice in April — I fell in love with it. I was going 4 to 5 times a week for two straight months, and then my financial situation started to fiddle.
Let’s put it this way, I have a permanent job in the mornings with Sara. This job is my base. But I do not make ends meet with that job alone. I HAVE to work a second job. And so, these second jobs that the first half of the year seemed firmed and consistent, began to not be as consistent the second half of the year. I stopped working for a family because they moved out of state. I began then to work for another family and some shitty thing they did to my aunt pushed me to end my ties with them (a situation that really sucked for everyone involved). I just began a second job in the afternoons, but I’m not sure that it’s going to hold strong for the next month even. So…this lack of financial stability has thrown me off big time. I had to leave Crossfit and that really sadden me because I was getting really good and my endorphenes were throught the roof, but I had to quit and I became lethargic once again, topped with the stress of having to come up with rent every month and the other shit I have to pay — STRESS.
My other disappointment was….ugh, and here I went again….dating. Who in their right mind would even consider dating again in the midst of aaaaall this? ME ME ME. The relentless spirit of love inside of me is so willing, and yearning for companionship that it pulls me out there again, into that wilderness that is to be open, and willing to get hurt and well, guess what, I did get hurt.
I have been single for over 3 years now. I dated someone last year with whom I felt strong connection with from the first date, but things changed rather quickly. He showed me his true colors early on, and I should have stepped away readily, but that overwhelming sensation that caught me unprepared that first date with him kept me believing that he was going to be that guy from that night, but it was not this way. Despite how much he cared about me, he was stagnant when it came to “work” on us, and it was frustrating for me to do all the work, give, and not receive. So I had to leave.
Then I met a younger guy who took me surprise by his mature and understading demeanor. He is one of those rarities you dont find often in this world anymore. Young, responsible, loyal, and truthful. Oh but, there was one little detail of course: he had just gotten out of a relatioship. So, really there was nothing I could do, he just needed time, time that I don’t have for that kind of shit anymore.
And so, my very last and most painful dating experience thus far, G. G is a man with a breathtaking life story. He is a professional musician, who grew up in the hood of East LA, who fell in love with music and despite his father questioning his seemingly dreamy pursue, he went on and studied music in Pasadena and then studied abroad in Spain for a year. He plays classical guitar, cajon, drums. He traveled the world to learn from the masters; Cuba for the conga, Spain for flamenco. He teaches guitar & coaches the soccer team in a middle school in Hollywood. He performs at different events throughout the week. G is kind, and such a gentleman. He is fit, and sexy, and nice…too nice. In spite of all the perfect things about him, something was missing for me and I did not know what. The first night I drove back home from his place I felt deep loneliness, and anguish. I still cannot explain where these feelings came from because everything between us was great. We had fun with each other, talked, kissed, we were infatuated with one another. We went to the movies together, had dinner, went to bars and talked about everything and anything, and he was always attentive with me, asked if I wanted or needed anything, he caressed me constantly and was flirtatious. And then somehow everything died.
To be completely honest, my mind is fucking with me. It’s got me playing memories of him that are unreal. These memories make me miss him terribly. My heart feels achy, I tear up at random moments during the day, I go through the pictures I had saved of him on my phone and I cry. I can’t help myself. Things sort of ended on their own. Perhaps, we said too much, we shared too much of our pasts to the point that those stories of us with other people weighed heavy on our present. He told me about his ex many times, even bringing her up in inopportune times and I just knew I couldnt take that. He was projecting her on me and I felt so insufficient for him. And that is not how anyone is supposed to feel at the beginning, ever. But because he is so nice, he wouldn’t dare mention anything awkward, we dragged this feelings of “uninterest” until I said, “something doesn’t feel right” and that was the official ending. I had to delete him from my Facebook, not because I wanted to but because I did not want to see pictures of him being happy and normal without me (yes, im selfish), or even worse, him uploading pictures with someone else. It would just break me, so for my own sanity and emotional well-being I had to.
And so, this year is ending sort of on a bitter note for me. I accomplished yes. But the falls I had were painful and have had an impact on me greater than I ever thought. I hope that I am able to take care of myself better this 2014, and that I am willing to do the work that it takes to love me more, and remind myself that I am so worth all the work and true intent to go after what makes me happy. I am here in this life to build myself, and I am growing into a woman too fierce to be let down.