I am HAPPY

I’ve been having all kinds of “bad things” happen.  Our recent move to Riverside turned out to be too much for both of us.  The commuting was draining in its first 3 hours, when I hadn’t even started my work day yet.  It was killing me and him.  So, we have been hopping from place to place, staying at friends’ houses and what not.  I’ve always known I was a gypsy in a past life, this almost feels like second nature to me.  Annoying, but doable.  October will be a month of finding a new, and hopefully permanent home for a while.

***

Rocamadour’s dad left the country for good.  His plans had been set for a few months, but he had mentioned it so much that I didn’t take his trip seriously.  Not until he sold his car, and told me his parents were buying him a ticket to leave by the end of the week.  To stay real, it didn’t affect me as much.  I knew and still know that his decision to leave was the best thing that he could ever do for himself.  It’s sad that sometimes the decisions we make as adults that we know are good for us, are not so good for the children we leave behind.  When my friends express how they feel about him leaving, I always say it’s complicated, but I know he did the right thing for him, just not for my son.

***

My car’s transmission had me worried for weeks when suddenly the morning I took Sara to her first post-surgery appointment, the car completely died on me at the entrance of the clinic’s parking lot with 5 men all around me who would only stare and not offer their help.  I.  Was.  Frustrated.

I had to spend what was left in my purse on the towing truck.  Luckily, Sara and I were picked up by a friend of hers, but I felt terrible.  While waiting for my car to get towed, I made an international call (you can guess where) and absolutely broke down.  I felt alone, without protection, without him, who used to be my angel, always saving me from trouble.  He’s gone.  The first week was hard, but now I’m managing.

***

Maybe at a different point of my life I’d been crying, depressed asking “why me?” and feeling pity for myself.  I can see that “me” at a distance, and I watch her, drifted in another dimension.  I left her, she’s way behind me.  I can’t pinpoint the moment she left me, but she’s no longer here.

Despite these roadblocks on this journey of life as a single mom, I cannot complain and it surprised when I realized this but…I am happy.  Even with all these things happening to me, I could still smile, and people asked, “Are you OK?” — I am more than OK.  I am happy womyn.  It’s my heart beaming, it’s my son being a healthy almost 4-year-old boy, it’s me having the ability to work, it’s the people who have showed me their love and support, it’s me becoming a higher spirit, a loving companion to life and to people who are willing to love me as I am.

I have become alive, and there is no “bad thing” that could happen to me that could set me back.  I now see these events as life happening in front of my eyes, and I just have to live it.

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